2014 Christmas newsletter

Happy holidays from the Sanui family!

Here is a snapshot of 2014 of our family:

Ryuta

Ryuta started on his new journey towards becoming an “o-sha-rey” (stylin’) hair stylist.  He started night and weekend classes at Fremont Beauty School while transitioning into a day-time stay-at-home dad routine.  The days were filled with trips to the park, to Happy Hallow, laundry, and cooking the family meals.  We’ve gotten into a better meal routine and Ryuta has expanded his recipe choices.  With childcare and school, Ryuta hasn’t been able to spend as much time playing tennis, but gets out whenever he can.  He still enjoys SLEEPING(!!!) and manga.  The boys are so lucky to spend a lot of time with their dad!  We are all getting used to the new schedule and Dad’s new hair styles! 

"High Maintenance.. You say it like it's a bad thing."

Somer

I finished my first year back to teaching at Weibel and am still there, happily, teaching 2^nd grade.  It was a huge adjustment getting back into the working world full-time AND having 2 little boys running around at home.  Fortunately, I got hired back for the new school year before the summer and was able to store all of my teaching things at school (rather than our garage.)  However, I changed classrooms and it was crazy getting settled into my new room in August.  But, I love it!  It has been such a fantastic new school year with a really sweet group of students.  My days are so happy and I’m so grateful.  Other than allowing Ryuta to color my hair, highlight it, chop it, not much has changed for me.  I still love going out to eat sushi, rooting for the SF Giants, hanging with my family & friends, going out if I can (to shop or watch movies), and staying involved at church.

Kai

Kai turned 5 in September.  We pulled him out of preschool last year and spent the last months of his 4 year-old life doing what 4 year-old kids should do—a lot of playing, imagining, a lot of nothing (it’s pretty important!), reading.  Over the summer, Kai went on his first roller coaster at Happy Hallow and loved it!  Kai started TK (Transitional Kindergarten) in August at Gomes.  Every morning, he rides his bike to school with his dad and his brother.  This fall, he learned how to ride his 2-wheeler.  He’s such a big boy now!  

He really transitioned well into the daily routines of school and is currently transforming his bedroom into a classroom.  He really loves school—learning how to spell, learning about the calendar, how to sing different songs (especially the “color songs”.)  It’s amazing how much he is learning at school and even just on his own at home.  He is so curious to learn.  Although with Kai, he is very specific and particular about what he likes.  Over the summer, the boys grew VERY attached to the Ice Age movies series.  Kai developed a big interest in maps, globes, and soon, we started to discuss earth history.  Why don’t mammoths and dinosaurs still live on the earth?  This led to talks about a possible asteroid that hit the earth and then, he became very obsessed with outer space and the solar system.  We got a family membership to the Chabot Space & Science Center for his birthday.  Kai has drawn multiple maps and built freeways with the exact directions to Chabot.  It’s amazing how he knows the roads, the freeways, the speed limits.  Kai has become such a little expert about the solar system that he has created lots of solar system art and has taught his 2 year-old brother the names of the planets.  The kid continues to amaze me.  

 Kai changed his color interest from green and yellow to red and blue.  He still really likes popsicles and chocolate chip cookies.  He has yet to try ice cream and has decided that he no longer likes cheese, spaghetti, or hot dogs.  But, we are so lucky that he is still a healthy eater and actually requests to eat broccoli!

For Halloween this year, I thought I’d get the easy way out this time and that Kai would want the astronaut costume at Costco.  My unique kid wanted to be a woolly mammoth!  Thank goodness my mom knows how to sew and was willing to help!  He was the cutest woolly mammoth ever. During the fall, Kai wore an eye patch to bed, to parties, and around the house, to be “Buck the Weasel” (from Ice Age 3.)  I thought I could get away with him being Buck for Halloween.  He insisted that he was Buck every day, but that he’d be a mammoth on Halloween.  That kid!

On Kai’s letter to Santa, he requested “solar system toys” and a “number line” (like in his classroom.)

"Dear Santa, I was a good boy. I would like solar system toys and a number line. Thank you. From, Kai."

Lukas

Lukas is still our affectionate, physical, active little monster.  Lukas turned 2 in June.  The kid thinks that his big brother is his personal punching bag and the little angel with the doll eyes shouts with this husky monster voice, runs, stomps, throws, kicks, climbs wherever he goes.  We had “sleep wars” most of the year.  I lost count, but currently, we are still on the losing end.  Lukas learned how to climb out of his crib and sneak into our room every night.  My goal over the summer was to sleep train him, but I think he tired me out and ending up winning the war.  We always start the night in separate rooms and I wake up to a foot in my face.  My students know that Lukas is a tiny ninja who moves quietly and quickly in the dark.  Lukas started gymnastics this summer and it’s been nice to let him have his own activity where he can be physical.  I’m thinking to eventually sign him up for a sport like soccer or martial arts.  Lukas loves being with people and can’t stay by himself.  He loves his big brother and likes what he likes—dinosaurs, planets, cars.  

Lukas is still the destroyer while Kai is the builder.  Kai is order and Lukas is chaos.  That’s just part of being the little brother.  He is still our junk food baby and it has been a challenge to get him to eat healthy food, especially at dinner.  The boy will just eat carbs, fruit, yogurt, and if we let him, junk food (anything with high amounts of sugar!) 

For Halloween, to stick with the Ice Age 3 theme, Lukas was a dinosaur (since big brother was a mammoth.) 

On his letter to Santa, Lukas asked for “Santa clothes”, dinosaur, dinosaur clothes, dinosaur toys, and candy.

Trips, Changes, & Fun Stuff

We started the new year in San Diego visiting family and friends.  The boys had a blast with their cousins, Tay, Risa, and Brooke!  We even considered whether we could move down because it was so great to see all the kids out in the street together.  In April, Ryuta courageously flew with the boys to Japan to visit family.  I traveled 2 weeks later to meet up with them and we got to eat really well, relax, and spend time with Ryuta’s parents.  In July, Ryuta and I got to get away for a weekend and explore Seattle.  We had a really wonderful time exploring the city by bicycle and getting some alone time away from the kids.  Over the summer, I got to take it easy with the kids and we were so lucky.  My parents got us all a membership to the Aqua Adventure water park.  We were there at least once a week!  In October, our family got to get away for a weekend to the cute beach town called Avila Beach.  

The boys loved playing at the pool and digging holes in the sand in the beach.  In November, my mom and I did our annual mother-daughter weekend and relaxed at the spa.  The timing was perfect!  I actually got to sleep in for daylight savings!  Happy birthday to me! J  The BIG change in our house was the kitchen remodel.  My mom has been anxious to remodel the kitchen for years and this year was her big break.  During September and October, we camped out in the garage and the backyard for all of our meals.  Remodeling is no joke, but we couldn’t be happier with the end result.  It is soooo nice to have such a beautiful kitchen with an open floor plan.  If we haven’t invited you over yet, we are taking advantage of such a nice space to be hospitable and to entertain.  So, please come on over and we’ll cook you something! 

Well, 2014 is coming to a close and it has been a pretty good year.  We wish you a very merry Christmas & a happy new year!

Sincerely,

The Sanui Family--Ryuta, Somer, Kai & Lukas

Luke 2:11: Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord.

Conversations with my young souls

I love their little voices and their young hearts.

I wish I could capture the days. Our conversations, their questions. The soft curves and shape to their little baby cheeks and baby lips. Lukas with his bright doll eyes. His pudgy fingers and Fred Flintstone feet.

I want to try to keep it all written down and recorded because I'm already losing my memory and I'm only 35!

Kai has developed such strong opinions and distinctive interests. I get really really happy when he decides to take an interest in something.

Last weekend, I asked him what he wanted to do. Do you want to go to the big movie theatre and watch a movie? "No." No?! Really? My kid has his own mind. sometimes it intrigues me and sometimes  it drives me crazy.  I've had to learn to love him for him and meet him where's he's at.

So, anyways, currently, Kai is obsessed with a few things: ice age, mammoths, dinosaurs, the solar system, and the Chabot Space Center (we just bought a family membership for his birthday.)

Some cute things I want to remember...

Every night, we need to pray "for the same." This means praying for the asteroids (not to hit the earth and wipe us out like the dinosaurs), the black hole (not to suck us up), and the ozone (to keep our temperature livable). Oh and also that the planets don't smash into each other. 

Lukas has been cute to pray.. "Dear God. Amen!" He has asked to pray for Mr. Tim, the earth, and pizza. :)

Kai was my dear this past Sunday during communion asking questions. I told him the juice was only for the grown ups. Why? So we can remember Jesus. He asked what he could do so that he could remember Jesus too? It really warmed my heart. 

Lukas has been talking more and I love his little voice. The best times are reading or playing or doing art.  He will put his dinosaurs into timeout. He will tell me about his painting as a baby bed with stars.

I'm exhausted. The little one still is a part of our bedroom. My students know about our ninja. Even when I try to rest or relax he comes in and jumps on me, treats me as a "horsey" or honks my nose. I love him so.

What fun to play dinosaurs. 

It's a new school year and I'm still teaching 2nd grade. I actually love it this year and have a really, really wonderful class. I'm in love with this school year.  This is a happy, happy season in my life.

Kai is back to recreating the classroom at home. He has set up a calendar time wall on the easel, sings all the color songs. He said he wants to be a TK teacher when he grows up. :) I think he would be a great teacher because he is an organized, smart guy who likes learning. Although I don't know how interested he is in taking care of or teaching others or how my Kai deals with stress. But we are all works in progress, right?

Kai loves Buck the weasel from Ice Age 3 Dawn of the Dinosaurs. He sometimes wears his eye patch to bed. "The name's Buck. Rule number one..."

For Halloween, we saw an astronaut costume at Costco. Perfect, right? Nope. Want to be Buck? Nope. Well, what do you want to be? (Because I really want my kids to wear costumes!) A mammoth, mommy. 

What?!?? Ahhh. Lukas will be "Rudy" the dinosaur from Ice Age. Luckily, we got to borrow a Dino costume from my friend, Emma.

More pics to come at the end of the month. :)

Taking it all and learning something new

So, I'm not totally new to teaching. I taught before I became a mom. It was a huge part of my identity and my confidence.  I felt like for the most part, I knew what I was doing, who I was, and I found a wonderful second family in my school community.  Then, God had different plans for me, what I could handle, what was best for me and our family. I was laid off and the timing was just right. Kai was born at the start of the following school year.  I stayed home to focus on motherhood and building our home.  After 4 years at home, Ryuta needed to make a change and I needed to go back into the classroom.  This was my first time working AND being a mom.  I got a job in Fremont teaching 2nd grade.  Some things were huge blessings and others were big challenges. 

I was thankful to teach again and have that space that was all mine. I was blessed by a nice principal and coworkers plus a breezy "commute" and an army of parent volunteers.  I experienced some humbling learning experiences and I will take my new knowledge into next school year.

Doraemon/my husband left this in the car for me when I was going through a little slump during the year. His fobby English makes me smile.

I feel like I have never done so much art before! This was a super cute spring art/poetry using egg cartons.

This was my April Fools joke I played on the kids. I baked some brownies/brown Es for them!!! :)

I felt really loved and appreciated during teacher appreciation week!

My 2nd graders were really into Legos and rainbow looms. I loved getting these rubber band bracelets! 

These were our plants versus zombie grass heads :)

It may not look like much, but I felt so proud of myself and my kids of our room and our hard work.  I took this right before Open House.

2nd grade letters can be really sweet.  One of my "friends" left me these thoughtful cards and notes on my desk! <3

We did an impromptu art project for our ocean animal report. They colored on crinkled tin foil with markers for the ocean background.  I loved the end result!

What a year.. I feel like I'm becoming a moving expert. Goodbye, Room 1 & hello, Room 18!

I was so lucky to have an amazing 2nd grade team to work with. Our students were so lucky to have parents who planned big celebrations for them. Our end-of-year celebration was packed with an awards ceremony, pizza, ice cream sundae bar, minute-to-win-it, and a face painter!!! 

As soon as I get the email, this will be my next home away from home in room 18!! Anyways, let me savor these last few weeks of summer... :)

Life as art

I love these photo apps. It makes photos look like art. I've been playing around with these photo apps and it's a lot of fun!

Photo booth silliness

Photo sketch

Instagram filters

It's been awhile

Ever since I started this full time working mom thing and Ryuta started being a SAHD/part time student, life has gotten really busy. Really busy!! I realized that no one was documenting our family memories. Now that I'm on my summer vacation, I had a moment to remember our blog and all those things I used to do...like play groups, fun little day trips with the kids, cooking and cleaning.

Here are a few pics to catch us a little up date on the last 6 months:

Saturdays have been my SAHM day while Ryuta is at school. Here is where I get to flex my teacher muscles at home with a little art on a rainy day. I think this was back in February or March?

Let's see.. What else? This pic was sometime during the spring. My kids love donuts! We went on a "donut date" :)

This April, Ryuta took the boys to Japan.  I met up with them during my spring break. We visited family, ate lots of oishii food as usual, watched a lot of Anpanman, and had an awesome time.

Here is Lukas on his 2nd birthday!!! We didn't do a party, but hung out at Chuck E a Cheese with pizza, favorite auntie Laura, the Giffords, and the Lopezs.

Love this kid! Such an angelic doll face...

But looks can be deceiving!! Little angel terrorizes us like a ninja all night!! He's such a pro now that we don't even know when or how he showed up.  It's just been a daily wake up kick to the head..

So far, this summer it's been really cool going to the water park every week, bike rides to Starbucks, small trips to meet friends at the zoo and the park and the movies, music in the park on Thursday nights, but Ryuta and I needed to redeem miles from our cancelled Hawaii trip and were fortunate enough to have babysitting (thanks, mom and dad!!) for 3 days and had an awesome time in Seattle!! We were blessed with free bicycles, beautiful sunshine, good food, and a city so fun to explore.. I'm grateful.

Last summer, Kai was obsessed with the color green and Shrek.  Recently, we watched Despicable Me and Ice Age for the first time and parts of the movies expanded Kai's love of maps and atlases into questions about outer space and the solar system. Kai is still into building and having things a certain way (untouched by his little brother.). He has a good sense of direction and knows about the roads, the freeways, the speed limit, compass directions, the continents.  Now, he is fascinated with the planets and is curious about the mammoths and why animals became extinct and how the earth plates changed Pangaea.  He is my earth scientist/astronomer.  I took him on a date to the Chabot Space Center and he loved it!!! We got to see Venus through a large telescope.

A dear friend, Michelle, has been a faithful and inspiring friend for many for years. It was an answer to many prayers to see her get married this summer on the beach in Carmel!

Here is a picture of our kids yesterday from our personal stylist/their daddy:

I'm thankful to get to slow down and catch my breath after the busy school year.. Ryuta is learning a lot about hair and his interests and seems much happier.  I hope to update this blog more than once a year!!

That's my awesome, handsome stylist (sorry, ladies, he's mine!) giving me new highlights.

2013 year in review

So, I realized that I had not updated this blog in say... 10 months!?! And also, that a TON of stuff has happened since?!
I know that my last blog post was about my friend's death.  It was so sad and still is.  Just this past week a family from our church lost their oldest son in his fight with cancer.  We had been praying continually, weekly for him for YEARS.  He lost his 8 year battle to cancer and died at the age of 23.  The older you get, the more death that touches your life and surrounds you.  I didn't know Kyle, but I know his parents.  At this time of year, I am saddened even more to think that this will be their first Christmas without him.  This will be the first Christmas for Naomi without her mother.  The memorial on Sunday was very emotional hearing his father share stories and sing a song to his son.  Brian Hill (who is Luther Vandross incarnate) sang John Legend's "Everyday People" to the slide show.  I thought about my own boys as I saw Kyle's life in pictures, seeing his little newborn face with his mother, seeing his smiling little boy face.  I see my own boys' faces and think that in a second, they too could be gone...

Anyways, I'd like to record some of the events of the year for our family---

After a long battle with the owner of the tennis club, Christina Broadwin took over as club manager and re-opened the club.  Some members had moved away or joined other clubs, but most re-joined.  Ryuta is back playing tennis about once a week.  I haven't picked up a racquet in a long time, so I haven't joined again. 
Ryuta had a tough year at work with disappointing management and the pressure of a small company.  We had many conversations this year about satisfaction.  How do you find true satisfaction in life?  It became clear that Ryuta could no longer work in the demanding, Japanese work environment of high-tech semiconductors.  There was no motivation, no passion.  The pay and benefits served our family well and I was able to stay home for 4 years with the kids.  But, in the end, it just didn't pay enough to bring home our tired, miserable Ryuta who was always home late and did I mention miserable?!  What did he want to try?  What was he interested in?  You only live life once and as long as we could pay our bills and not burden anyone, what did he want to try while we are still alive?  Ryuta decided he wanted to get a license to be a hair stylist.  He spoke to lots of salon owners and stylists and beauty schools.  So, in August, Ryuta quit his job at Mirapro and is currently a stay-at-home daddy with the boys.  He will start night school in January for an 18-month program.  We are nervous, but excited.

For myself, I needed to and still need to pray a lot about the future of our family.  I have seen God bless our family through these challenges.  I think my being able to let go of the familiar and of the comfort to let Ryuta pursue his dreams has helped us to be the closest we've ever been.  I've been praying that Ryuta and I would have a close, loving marriage where we'd be really happy with each other, really supportive of each other.  I have such a hard time with change and this year has been about change.  I had gotten very comfortable with staying home with our kids and was thinking that I'd go back to work part-time when the boys were in elementary school.  I'd be able to volunteer in their classrooms and drive them to soccer practices.  In the spring, I'd finally made the decision that I'd support Ryuta and that I'd go back to work.  It only made sense since Ryuta hated his job and I've always enjoyed teaching.  I interviewed all summer in Newark and in Fremont.  It was humbling to me to get rejected from job interviews!  Being a teacher had become such a strong part of my identity and I never felt insecure in that part of my life.  I prayed to God that wherever he wanted me to be would be the first place that would call me.  I didn't want to second guess or have to make any hard decisions when there were so many other things to stress about.  In the end, I had 2 great interviews at the end of the summer on the same day.  I felt really excited about my first interview and knew in my heart that if they called me I'd accept with great joy.  However, the 2nd interview called me right away with an offer.  I took it and then got a call right after from the first school.  I know that God has still answered my prayer because my current job has been really great and good fit for me and for my family.  The commute is so short.  My co-workers are super nice and super helpful.  My principal is very supportive, casual, and easy-going.  I have an army of awesome parents who help out lots in my class.  I'm teaching a familiar grade-level and I really do love my students.  I had a hard first week or two.  (I cried myself to sleep after the first day of school from exhaustion and confusion.  Was I rusty?!  Did I forget how to teach?  I'd always been great with classroom management, but the jump from 20 3rd graders to 30 immature 2nd graders was a shock to my system.  Did I make the wrong choice to work again?!)  Well, everything has settled down for now and my chatty, quirky group of 2nd graders are very cute and likeable kids.  I'm nervous though about when Ryuta starts night school on January 7th.  He will go to school Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday nights and all day-Saturdays.  It will be a hard 18 months, but I have to remember that this too shall pass and to view the future with excitement.  I'm just nervous about how our energy levels will get through it.  My mom and dad aren't ones to be tied down to help for too long.  They have too many other things to do such as work, travel, entertainments, etc.  But, I sure do hope they will take some pity on us and pitch in whenever they see us drowning under our own choices...sigh.  Okay, positive thinking, positive thinking. 

Our Kai-kai-- Kai had a wonderful finish to his year in Panda-gumi.  He LOVED Naoko-sensei, his friends, and his Nishiyamato school.  He participated in the oyugikai (song performance) and sports festival.  He came home singing songs and pretending to be a teacher with walls and his piano.  We kept him home for summer vacation and it was really relaxing to not have to launder school uniforms or pack school bentos.  We got to move at our own pace and meet up with friends.  Kai went to swim over the summer and started to get more comfortable with the water (as in he GOT IN the water.)  He especially LOVED the water park and everytime we drive by he says, "There's Bucket Bay.  I like Bucket Bay.  When can we go to Buckey Bay?"  I made the connection in the early summer that Kai is Shrek.  Kai was always telling his brother (and me) to "go away."  I told Kai about Shrek and how Shrek is an ogre who likes to stay by himself in his swamp.  We watched the movie and Kai fell inlove.  We had Shrek marathons throughout the summer and watched all the Shrek movies.  Lukas, fittingly, is donkey, the little talkative creature who follows Shrek around, messing up his stuff.  ALSO- we finally finished potty training!!!!!!  As soon as we stopped caring, Kai improved more and the incentives of candy treats and ipad time helped, too.  But, it was a lot of poopy pants to clean up for more than half of the year...At summer's end, I got a job and a lot of changes happened.  I had been with both boys everyday since they were born and now I was going to work.  Kai started in Koala-gumi class.  We thought switching to Tuesday Thursday instead of MWF would be less stressful, but there were different kids in Kai's class.  The school also changed locations and Koala-gumi has a different teacher, Maki-sensei.  Ryuta was now around more.  Kai started to deal with his stress through OCD.  Our home was a series of walls and color-coding.  Any false move and Kai would fall apart.  He also started twitching his mouth, his eyes, his head, his body.  We took him out of school in November and the twitching has stopped.  I was really concerned that something was wrong with Kai.  Did he have tourette's?  How could we help him with his OCD?  (I think FAMILY therapy would be crucial.)  Ryuta took Kai to the neurologist who immediately and ignorantly said that Kai was autistic and gave us a letter of recommendation for Glankler special needs preschool.  We will do evaluations with Glankler and will see a highly recommeded behaviorist in the spring.  I'm trying to stay positive that we can get good help and to just love and accept Kai for who he is. He is very cute, smart, funny, affectionate, imaginative.

Lukas-- Lukas has changed from our bright-eyed, little pudgeball baby into a ROUGH-and-tumble, ROUGH, energetic, passionate little boy.  He is very expressive with his feelings and I joke with Dad that their emotional DNA is very similiar (as in when Lukas gets angry, he cries easily and starts stomping around the place..)  Lukas is very physical.  He likes to wind up and throw things, hit things, wrestle with Kai and treat his big brother like his personal punching bag.  Lukas still has the face of an angel with this round cheeks, big eyes and long eyelashes.  He lights up the room with his smile and he has a very endearing personality.  I love, love, LOVE that kid.  He always wants to be included, has a way of getting someone to pick him up and play with him and give him whatever junky food item that he wants.  He loves his big brother (who is pretty much is main playmate) Lukas is fearless in climbing, jumping, and doing whatever his 4 year-old brother is doing.  Realistically, Lukas is our last baby and his quickness to grow up makes me sentimental and sad. :(     Lukas is similiar to Kai in that he is very delayed with his speech.  I am not as worried this time because Lukas is very expressive and shows signs that he understands.  Kai knew more signing that Lukas and also spoke sooner.  Lukas can sign "more, please, milk, water, apple, cereal, diaper, up, book."  He makes sounds for dada, up, and.... well.. he mostly grunts and makes caveman-like noises.

Travels and other things--  We went to Monterey in February with mom and dad as a Christmas gift.  Mom and I went on a mother-daughter weekend in September to Napa.  Ryuta and I went to our church's marriage retreat in November.  We had planned on a Kaui trip in September, but cancelled it because it eneded up coinciding with the 2nd week of school.  We are traveling to southern California for the new year and Ryuta and I will visit Seattle next July. 
This year brought many changes, but many blessings.  My resolution for 2013 was to work on being more generous.  I don't know so much that I reached any goal in that area although I do feel like I had to give and change more than ever before.  God was very generous to us in our friendships.  Two dear friends who had to go through IVF had their first children this year.  We grew in many of our friendships with other couples and families. 
For Halloween this year- Ryuta was a sumo, Kai was Shrek, Lukas was Toy Story alien (and Mickey Mouse), and I was a 2nd grade smart pants and a green super hero.  We had fun trick-or-treating and going to Sergio & Nadia's Nacho Libre party (complete with thumb wrestling and a nacho bar.)  We had a super fun Elf party for Christmas and hope to make them annual traditions.  Anyways, that's all for now. 
I don't know yet what 2014 will bring, but I'm hoping that Ryuta and I will make it through is first year of school successfully and together.  I hope for rest and for energy.  I hope that we won't just survive the year, but really love every moment.  Hmmm.  I will have to think about 2014's mantra words to focus on.  2012 was joy and gratitude.  2013 was generosity.  2014... energy?!
Well, merry Christmas and happy new year!!!
Somer & family

Saying Goodbye

I'm hoping that by writing this down it will help to provide more closure.  This has been with me everyday since last week.  I've been thinking about her everyday.  How do you really say goodbye?  This type of goodbye really is goodbye because I'll never see my friend again.  Not in this lifetime and not on this world.  I question God about His plan.  I question God about why some people have mental illnesses and why my friend is gone.  Some things seem unfair, confusing, and don't make sense. 
I had some great talks with a few friends over the past two weeks about this, about mental health, about friendships.  Talks about why we choose to say goodbye and how we reconnect.  I've thought about not assuming anything about anyone, to understand that we are all able to change, to also work on being more "real" myself.  One of the things that hurt me the most was feeling so sad that for the past 10-12 years my friend might have been silently suffering, that her mental illness was too shameful to talk about with anyone.  Did she have anyone to talk to?  Could she tell anyone?  Do we live in a world where everything must always be superficial, happy, and good all the time?  Can we really let down with others when we need to cry or express other emotions?  At the memorial it was interesting how another friend gave a different perspective on the "secret."  She said that she purposely kept it from us to save us from the pain.  But who saved her?  Who could save her?  I ask God, "Why did this happen?  Did she have a chance?  What about her husband? Her daughter?  Is she held accountable for a sickness that was too strong for her?"
One dear friend who also shares the bipolar disorder shed some more light in a talk yesterday.  She told me about 2 scriptures, one about how God gives some lives to save others.
Isaiah 43:4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.
Perhaps, my friend lost her life in order that there are others who would know God.  I know there are different stories of people who came to know God because someone at some time had lost their life.  A mother died so that later her daughter was able to seek after the Lord.  Perhaps someone today would have the opportunity now to connect with christians?
My friend also shared about how God made her perfect.  She was made to have bipolar, that it is a part of her, that she doesn't always understand why, but God made her just right.
Psalm 139: 13-14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
We looked at 2 Corinthians 4: 7-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
The end of this makes me think about how I can't see my friend anymore.  I can't SEE her.  But the unseen will always be with us.  No one can see what we feel, what we remember.  It goes on in our hearts.  I've always looked at this scripture as the unseen as the intangible, as heaven, as the things of the heart and of the spirit and of God.  But I will always remember this and remember her.  That can be eternal.  What lives on in my heart and in my spirit.

I heard the terrible news last Tuesday morning about her passing.  This morning was her memorial service.  This is the first time I've experienced the death of a friend who was my peer.  I've been to funerals of older people.  But never my friend, never someone my age.  She was just a year older with a daughter just a little bit older than Kai.  We were sorority sisters and friends.  I look at her life and think she still had the rest of her life to live.  She had so many more years to live, to be with her husband, to see her daughter grow up.  I get sad thinking about that, thinking about him without her, to think about their daughter without a mom.  The service today was very sad.  It was nice and there were many thoughtful, meaningful, eloquent words.  The ones that touched me the most were from her husband.  He talked about their relationship, how they were, how they lived, how they loved each other, the things he would  miss.  Who would think they'd be telling everyone the story now while life is still in the beginning, while we are still young with young children?  Gosh, you could just tell from what he said and the pictures in the slideshow that they were so inlove.  Why would such a full life end so short?  I cried when he talked about missing her smell of lotion.  That scent will never be there again.  I cried when I saw him carrying their daughter to the burial site to watch the coffin lowered.  These were the last moments as a family with her physical body.  Would her daughter remember?  What did she understand?  How will she feel when she goes to bed again without her mommy there?  I'm still grieving to think about them.  I put myself in their shoes and my heart breaks.  I think if it were Kai, if we lost one another... The few positives that I can hold onto for now-- *I am grateful to be alive.  I'm grateful that my kids have both Ryuta and I in their lives. *I was able to reconnect today with some friends and am hopeful. *I am learning more about trusting God and to dig deeper, to find areas in my past and in my relationships where I can fill in the gaps more.  I think there were things about college and my sorority days that were shameful to me.  I didn't like who I was then and was still exploring who I was.  I've been a little negative about my sorority, but I've been trying to hold onto what WAS good about that part of my life.  I'm learning about why I keep my relationships.  It is no one's fault that some things didn't stay.  They weren't bad people, but I couldn't hold on any longer.  I think about the people I've stuck to, the ones I've always felt I could really be myself with, the ones who brought out the best in me, the ones who have inspired me and changed me for the better.  But I know that I'm called higher now to have a greater character in my relationships.  If our relationship is superficial, I need to work out my own superficiality.  I need to change that part of myself and my character.  We are all works in progress. Today, I've been listening to sappy, sentimental songs like Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men's "One Sweet Day", Sarah Maclaclan's "I Will Remember You," and a new song called "Stars" by Grace Potter.  Sigh. Anyways, good night.