Feeding pains

I never expected breastfeeding to be so hard or so painful. My mom used to say how much she loved breastfeeding us and that it was the best part of motherhood. I read A LOT before Kai was born on how to take care of myself, the benefits of breastfeeding, etc. I hoped that as soon as he came out into the world, he would latch on and it would all just make sense and come together like magic. I imagined that it would just feel like a soft little baby massaging your boobs and would be great bonding time. How hard could it be, right? Little, itty bitty baby just opens his mouth and bam! in goes the nipple and you feed. Simple, right?
Here's a picture of me trying to feed Kai with the cover that my mom made. Ryuta was laughing at me trying to be discreet--

At the hospital, I was scared that breastfeeding would be hard because the nurses had to give Kai bottles of formula. His blood sugar was down and he needed the formula. All the books said not to introduce bottles until at least a month or two so the baby wouldn't get nipple confusion. But, they had to do what they had to do for Kai's health and I couldn't argue. They said that he was too small and they didn't want him to work too hard at this point to get the nutrients he needed.
Kai was induced because he wasn't growing enough inside me during the last month and getting the nutrition he needed from my placenta. The hospital OB, Dr. Burrs, said that he wasn't premature since he was born at 38 weeks, but that he was "immature." His weight and eating was like a preemie. Later, the lactation nurse, Gayle, said that Kai had a "peanut butter tongue" that stuck to the roof of his mouth and made it hard to latch. I thought, "Oh great. No! He came out so that he could eat and now he is having a hard time."
Kai had some jaundice and at his first appointment when we left the hospital the pediatrician said that by feeding more, the jaundice would go away. I was determined to get Kai's jaundice gone, his size bigger and healthier... Ryuta and I made one-on-one appointments with Gayle, the lactation nurse who everyone seemed to recommend. The appointments were so helpful, but when I'd leave to go home and try on my own I'd feel confused again and wish that Gayle could come home with me. I remember the first nights crying because I didn't know how to hold Kai right to get him to latch. He seemed so fragile and small. The nurses at the hospital and Gayle all held him with ease and firmly shoved him in the right direction. How did they do that? Kai also seemed so strong for a little guy and kicked and punched and scratched and pushed and I couldn't believe that he seemed stronger than me! It was frustrating because he seemed hungry but he would push himself away. I'd seem to get him latched, but then he'd be pinching me and hurting me and pushing off. I thought that I prayed too much for Kai to be strong and I needed to pray more now for him to be KIND (to his momma!) I can laugh now remembering my mom and Ryuta trying to help me while I lay in bed crying and helpless and feeling trapped and stupid. There were six hands all trying to get Kai to feed-- Ryuta holding Kai's body, mom holding his head, and me holding onto myself.
The only times I got out of the house were to go to the doctor's or to the free Thursday breastfeeding clinic (b/c Gayle ran it.) I feared (and still sort of do) feeding Kai outside the house in public for fear that Kai will not cooperate and that I'll expose myself. There were two weeks that I was in so much pain. I got thrush (a yeast infection on the boobs) and a slight case of mastitis (clogged milk ducts.) It all seemed too hard all at once. I would cry and scream from the time Kai latched to the time he was done and would pinch off of me. He'd seem so content that his belly got filled with what seemed like Thanksgiving dinner to him while I'd cry bitterly that Ryuta didn't have to be locked down to this bihourly torture. The thrush sent burning, shooting pains through my body and according to Gayle, I had to continually wash my "feeding instruments" everytime before and after and put medicine on after and thoroughly wash my hands and all clothes.. it was so tiring and it was an extra hassle to remember the washing and medicine on top of the normal feeding and diapering.
It wasn't until maybe around the 3rd or 4th week that feeding Kai got better and less painful. Ryuta says that I'm the "great mom" because you can see in how fat Kai is getting that I'm doing my job. Kai has now about doubled his weight and is gaining about a pound a week and every day he looks more and more changed and bigger! Now, I can say that I mostly enjoy my time feeding Kai except now there's the fear of overeating and vomiting and even diapering has gotten kind of fun. That's weird, but true. I talk to Kai in broken japanese asking if he has more poop, if he's done.. and he gives me this loving, wacky smile. Don't tell Ryuta b/c he is still in charge of diapers when I'm exhausted in the middle of the night!