I had some great talks with a few friends over the past two weeks about this, about mental health, about friendships. Talks about why we choose to say goodbye and how we reconnect. I've thought about not assuming anything about anyone, to understand that we are all able to change, to also work on being more "real" myself. One of the things that hurt me the most was feeling so sad that for the past 10-12 years my friend might have been silently suffering, that her mental illness was too shameful to talk about with anyone. Did she have anyone to talk to? Could she tell anyone? Do we live in a world where everything must always be superficial, happy, and good all the time? Can we really let down with others when we need to cry or express other emotions? At the memorial it was interesting how another friend gave a different perspective on the "secret." She said that she purposely kept it from us to save us from the pain. But who saved her? Who could save her? I ask God, "Why did this happen? Did she have a chance? What about her husband? Her daughter? Is she held accountable for a sickness that was too strong for her?"
One dear friend who also shares the bipolar disorder shed some more light in a talk yesterday. She told me about 2 scriptures, one about how God gives some lives to save others.
Isaiah 43:4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give people in exchange for you, nations in exchange for your life.
Perhaps, my friend lost her life in order that there are others who would know God. I know there are different stories of people who came to know God because someone at some time had lost their life. A mother died so that later her daughter was able to seek after the Lord. Perhaps someone today would have the opportunity now to connect with christians?
My friend also shared about how God made her perfect. She was made to have bipolar, that it is a part of her, that she doesn't always understand why, but God made her just right.
Psalm 139: 13-14 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
We looked at 2 Corinthians 4: 7-18
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 8 We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9 persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 10 We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11 For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 12 So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
The end of this makes me think about how I can't see my friend anymore. I can't SEE her. But the unseen will always be with us. No one can see what we feel, what we remember. It goes on in our hearts. I've always looked at this scripture as the unseen as the intangible, as heaven, as the things of the heart and of the spirit and of God. But I will always remember this and remember her. That can be eternal. What lives on in my heart and in my spirit.
I heard the terrible news last Tuesday morning about her passing. This morning was her memorial service. This is the first time I've experienced the death of a friend who was my peer. I've been to funerals of older people. But never my friend, never someone my age. She was just a year older with a daughter just a little bit older than Kai. We were sorority sisters and friends. I look at her life and think she still had the rest of her life to live. She had so many more years to live, to be with her husband, to see her daughter grow up. I get sad thinking about that, thinking about him without her, to think about their daughter without a mom. The service today was very sad. It was nice and there were many thoughtful, meaningful, eloquent words. The ones that touched me the most were from her husband. He talked about their relationship, how they were, how they lived, how they loved each other, the things he would miss. Who would think they'd be telling everyone the story now while life is still in the beginning, while we are still young with young children? Gosh, you could just tell from what he said and the pictures in the slideshow that they were so inlove. Why would such a full life end so short? I cried when he talked about missing her smell of lotion. That scent will never be there again. I cried when I saw him carrying their daughter to the burial site to watch the coffin lowered. These were the last moments as a family with her physical body. Would her daughter remember? What did she understand? How will she feel when she goes to bed again without her mommy there? I'm still grieving to think about them. I put myself in their shoes and my heart breaks. I think if it were Kai, if we lost one another... The few positives that I can hold onto for now-- *I am grateful to be alive. I'm grateful that my kids have both Ryuta and I in their lives. *I was able to reconnect today with some friends and am hopeful. *I am learning more about trusting God and to dig deeper, to find areas in my past and in my relationships where I can fill in the gaps more. I think there were things about college and my sorority days that were shameful to me. I didn't like who I was then and was still exploring who I was. I've been a little negative about my sorority, but I've been trying to hold onto what WAS good about that part of my life. I'm learning about why I keep my relationships. It is no one's fault that some things didn't stay. They weren't bad people, but I couldn't hold on any longer. I think about the people I've stuck to, the ones I've always felt I could really be myself with, the ones who brought out the best in me, the ones who have inspired me and changed me for the better. But I know that I'm called higher now to have a greater character in my relationships. If our relationship is superficial, I need to work out my own superficiality. I need to change that part of myself and my character. We are all works in progress. Today, I've been listening to sappy, sentimental songs like Mariah Carey & Boyz II Men's "One Sweet Day", Sarah Maclaclan's "I Will Remember You," and a new song called "Stars" by Grace Potter. Sigh. Anyways, good night.
